Stiller

I am ill.  I realized that when I came home yesterday and passed out on the couch for 4 hours against my will. When I awakened, the couch and I were soaked.  I felt like I had gone swimming and didn't dry off when I got out of the pool. I am weak, my legs and chest hurt.  I have no more physical energy. I haven't much of a choice but to be still. ( I won't call my little sister who was sick this weekend and try to tell her what to do. She recently got out of the hospital and was shopping for shoes for my nine year son at Payless when I called her yesterday.  Ay-yi-yi!)

Yesterday, I went to work and I felt horrible while I was working.  On the drive home I kept swerving and I couldn't figure out why. I was dizzy. It's amazing how much of your bodies messages you can ignore.  I've seen people run past themselves right into the grave.  Ignoring all signs and signals of a sick body until the body screamed for attention and then it was too late to answer...no time to mend broken fences, no time to fulfill unfulfilled dreams, no time left.

I'm praying, not to go out like that.  I am still in the process of being still  I have enlisted the help of the Divine, but the final decision belongs to him.  I think that we need times of stillness to stay in contact with God and ourselves.   I lose myself and am constantly rushing past myself and my Higher Power, to do other things. Realizing that my actions are futile without Divine help.  So, still... 

Stillness, would give me a break from the chaos, internal and external, it would keep me in contact with the One who matters most.  And it would give me some insight into my life's instructions.  I already have some insight but I have to work on acceptance.  In stillness, I can focus on accepting my mission.  It's scary. It's more scary when you doubt. That's why I want to be still.  I'm exhausted from expending my own energy through my own will.

Still.