I'm tired after working a long weekend. It was only two days...but it seemed like the longest two days of my life. My back hurts, my body hurts...I ate too much sugar over the weekend, and drank too much caffeine. The funny thing is...since I started this stillness experiment, when I eat, I seem to get fuller faster. I don't know if it's my imagination or not yet. But, last night I didn't binge myself like I do when I don't eat all day. I didn't eat all day yesterday. I didn't want to stop and I was speeding past myself.
Speeding past myself, is how I have lived for the past 50 years. The first two were steeped is self-exploration. Maybe the first three. Anyhoo. I've done stillness projects before and I could just shut everything out. But, I can't seem by sheer will just do that now. I'm not sure why but suspect that it's because I have allowed any and everything to shake me up for so long it's hard to stop moving around. It's like the world is an earthquake and I'm in the center of it going along for the ride.
When I used to make myself still it was a resentful, angry type of still sort of like when a baby clamps his lips together to keep you from spooning food in its mouth. That's the best way that I can describe it. But, that's how I would keep chaos from making me crazy, I'd just shut down initially accidently but then on purpose. And now I want to shut down, and I can't, because I have surrendered, my abilities as many as I can to God.
Maybe it's not time.
I know that my patience meter is about 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. I didn't realize how impatient I can be until I started this. Now I see. It's amazing how much of ourselves elude us during a lifetime. ( I think about this when I think about Lois...my best buddy. But, that's another blog post.).
I rememeber a time when I thought that everything was just cut and dry. It's gone...that time. Thank God!
I'll just wait for the gift of stillness. I never thought of it as a gift before. I always thought of it as a tool.
Wow!
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